we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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