i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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