i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
