apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
