my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
