Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
