I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
