My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
