Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
