what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
