i need an iv and a liver transplant
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
