the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
