my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
