I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Hippo gnu deer
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
