He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
