That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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