and you said cock pushups were impossible
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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