I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
