He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
