obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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