I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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