I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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