I just saw a hot homeless man
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
