Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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