My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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