Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
