I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
