everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
