i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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