um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
