i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
So squirting runs in the family.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
