if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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