You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
