I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
