every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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