don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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