I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He shit in the fireplace
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
