rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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