I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
