I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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