i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
