the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
