sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
