I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
