Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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