Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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