if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
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