If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
