Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
