if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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