Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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